Now therefore stand still and see this great thing that the LORD will do before your eyes. 1 Samuel 12:16
Normally I am a nurturing, compassionate, concerned mom. Today I had an epic mom fail. There are these bee-like creatures in front of my mom’s apartment. Now I have no idea if they are actually related to anything that can sting, but because they look like a bee and fly like a bee, well it’s a bee in my book. I am allergic to bees. Not to the point I need an epi-pen (or at least not so far – I don’t get stung a lot and you’ll speculate why), but allergic nonetheless.
Picking up my kids from my mom’s house, we make our way towards the car and I see one of these vicious bird creatures (they are seriously giant!). I take off sprinting towards the car. I hear my daughter over my shoulder yell, “Run, mom, run!” My sister, who is also picking up her daughter laughs at me. “You didn’t even try to grab a kid.” My kids think this is completely normal as they do not even bat an eyelash watching mommy run around like a chicken with her head cut off. I’m sure the neighbors in my mom’s apartment complex also find amusement in my fanatical, wave my arms for good measure, screaming, and zigzag running.
As I look back, after the maniacal woman that took over my body for the 30 seconds of crazy I just was leaves, I realize the irony in this situation. My daughter, my loving wonderful daughter did not think of running herself the entire time. Instead she is filled with compassion that the bird-bee doesn’t get to me because she knows it will make me swell. She is only worried about other people even when (or if since I don’t actually know if this thing stings) danger approaches.
Realizing this, I am filled with mom hate. I am a terrible mother. I plead insanity since I am a normally level-headed person and know that I should just stand still. But a part of me has so much fear deep down, that I can’t do that. Whoa! Now we’re just starting to scratch the surface folks! This is deep! How did I get this fear so ingrained that it overpowers my rationale and lets me go ballistic in my mom’s parking lot? What is this fear teaching my children as I talk of standing still on calm days and do the exact opposite when this fear presents itself?
Giving into fear is not trusting God.
Okay, I know it’s just a bee fear, but this crosses over into other areas of my life. I let the fear take over and don’t let God in. I just need to stand still for a moment. When I am standing still, with God in control, I can be that compassionate, loving momma I struggle to be. I can be the mom who stands still with her arms wrapped around her children waiting for the threat to pass, instead of this wild woman running in circles with nowhere to go.
Though my daughter is completely calm in this situation, I still see the anxiety creeping in and wonder how much of that is because of me. She is only 7 and already she worries so much. She also has so much compassion. I pray God can use these two feelings together to help her fear the Lord and love others. I hope God uses me to teach her even an ounce of this.
She comes to me with a problem later on in the evening and in super-mom fashion, I am able to redeem a part of what I just undid as I calmly talk with her and suggest solutions. I am glad for this moment, for any moment that leads me to be a calming factor for her. I am glad for this moment to remember to stand still and watch God work.